For Mature Audiences Only

This will be the most personal blog I think I will ever post. In fact, its the most personal soliloquoy that I probably will ever make. It carries emotional, dramatic and graphic details. Readers please exercise discretion.

Last night, I had brought myself out of an emotional comfort zone. A comfort zone, whose blanket of false security, I had taken shelter under all my adult life. A comfort zone that I now know wreaks havoc in my life, causing hurt in my loved ones and will probably send me to self destruction.

Let me illustrate what I am talking about through chronicles of my life. Starting with the day I was born. (I did warned you in the beginning that it will be this dramatic)

Childbirth: I read somewhere much later that according to regression therapy studies, majority of babies delivered by C-section grew up to be very insecure adults. Reason being the very act of C-section. The baby faces the world through a cold and clinical process. Hurried and impersonal. In a natural childbirth, the baby experiences the warmth, love and assurance coming through the natural passage. It is able to feel the joy and jubiliation, and most importantly the touch and sound from the mother. I was a Ceasarean baby. Coincidence, science or a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Childhood: I was raised in a big house filled with aunts, uncles, and cousins under the matriachic watch of my grandmother. I wouldn't say my family was despised but I could feel from a very young age that we weren't the favorite. In fact, we were subject of gossip and closed door discussions. All because my dear mother wasn't adept in the PR game. In short, she didn't know how to suck up. A scene right out of a old Cantonese movie. Of course, being young and defenceless, the demonstration of displeasure fell on me. I was told that my mom was lazy and not good enough for the family and that I should be ashamed. I am proud to say now that not once did I believed them. As such, I fought fiercely alone to dispel those rumours, to protect my family and to shelter my younger brother from the unkind favoratism and discrimination. As such, I cannot show my weakness. I carried a shield of strength. Outwardly, I was a proud, strong and eloquent kid. Inwardly, I became very insecure and introverted. I always thought that people thinks the worse of my family and me. As such I equate love with a gratification of my insecurity, fears and acceptance from others rather than something that comes from the heart unconditionally.

Adulthood: Fortunately, through a good support system of friends, lovers and the tender loving care of my parents, I begin to realise what love is. However, the damage was done, so subtlely that I only realized very late in my life. My insecurities remained. And because society is cold and heartless in general, the insecurities magnified. Everything I do is to show others that I don't have a weakness. It did not help that everyone demanded and expected a lot from me. People expect me to do well. The pressure was tumultous. I am living life to show others and not for myself.

The grievest manifestation of this insecurity came from my relationships. In all of them, I understand that love comes from the heart, it is something that meant unconditional care and committment to my other half. Again the culprit was my insecurity. I tend to distrust my lovers not because I thought they will cheat on me but because I lack self-confidence. This lack of self confidence made me feel that any love and attention my lover direct to other people means the love for me was discounted and not sincere. As such, I over compensate with my attention and possesiveness, like I was protecting my turf. And naturally I demanded back the same. I loved wrongly, I did not know how to love. It was frustrating because I know I am a very caring and loving creature. It was frustrating because I couldn't demostrate that to my lovers. Instead I end up hurting them through my childish actions.

However, I know myself that no matter how wrong the tools I used to show my love, I love with all my heart and soul. I love the best way I know how, the only way I know how.

Last night, I came to a realization that I have to leave my comfort zone. It was very emotional and scary because it was disturbing to realise that there is something fundamentally wrong with myself psychologically and physiologically this late in my adult life. Hell, I had a successful career and people looked up to me! (now I know all these are achieved for the wrong reasons) When the moment hit, it hit hard. I felt a sudden chill and desperation. Why the realization now and most importantly the will and strength to change? Cos I faced the danger and fear of losing the love of someone very special, someone that is very dear to me. Someone that I least wanted to hurt. I had to change, so that I could be a happier person and love happier. It will be very difficult (I am 38!) and I will try. God help me!

I shouted for help and I cried like a baby. I cried like babies crying when they were just delivered....naturally.

Can I Have My Rights Please?

In an edition of The Straits Times some time back, there was an article about the perils of being single during Chinese New Year. I think it was written by Sumiko Tan, I may be wrong. When I read it, I laughed and cheered because it was very honest, brutally honest. I totally related to it.

Yes, apparently, I am single, eligible and of a very marriageable age. I had been asked the same questions many times, "Are you married yet?", "Do you have a girlfriend?'. It always doesn't matter how convincing my answers were about my preference to be single. They will give you the impression that they accept your answer but it always comes with a suspecting twitch of the face, or subtle rolling of the eyes. You know that they are saying to themselves, "Think he's gay".

I had come to a point where I find it pointless to rebuke and to explain myself further. If society of late has come to open up it's arms to embrace gays and lesbians, why can't they accept that there are people who are straight and choose to remain unmarried for various reasons!

We people can't win. Why?

(1) You can have as many girlfriends but ultimately marriage seems to be the only way to prove your sexuality.
(2) It seemed that people can accept homosexuality as a lifestyle preference but somehow singlehood is not a lifestyle preference (huh?) but a defect.
(3) Nobody seems to understand that being single is not a sexual preference, it just means you do not want to get married.

Like I said, I am not going to spend more time explaining myself. There is no closet to come out of. Straight singlehood is just simply a lifestyle choice and my frame of mind. Will it last? Maybe and maybe not? And don't worry my dear family and friends, doesn't mean that I am not attached and not gay mean that I am not getting any. Enviably, my sex life might be more varied and fulfilling than yours....monogamous or polygamous.

Ironically, in this present day, it is easier to be single and gay then single and straight. And almost as ironic, as society begins to break down the walls of biasedness against homosexuality, a new age of discrimination against singlehood emerges.

Picture this. 2 guys walking, shopping or having coffee together. In the past, they are just 2 good friends having a male-bonding session or having a heart-to-heart talk. Now?

"Hahahaha... must be sisters!". Sometimes followed by "Such a pity, they are cute!"

In Sickness and in Health

I received a call from my mom yesterday morning. My uncle had a stroke. Her call came admist me feeling uneasy ever since I woke up that morning. I hated that word, stroke. My grandmother had a stroke that made her bedridden and unable to speak. My first uncle's left him wheelchair bound. My dad had a stroke 4 years ago and what followed was probably the most trying and difficult time of my life. It was life altering, affecting the entire household and our quality of life. I do not wish to have that coming upon others especially upon other family members.

My mom's call yesterday morning came barely 2 months after an earlier call telling me that another uncle had a heart attack. It was too early, too soon.

I visited my uncle at the hospital immediately. Ironically, he was warded in the same room as my dad 4 years ago. After the visit, I felt really down the entire day. I knew what my uncle's family had to go through hereafter. Rehab therapy will be a slow and painful journey. Uncomfortable life changes have to be made. Caregivers will be undergoing very stressful times. Patience and love will be tested.
However during my visit, I realized something good. My aunt and cousins have the composure to provide emotional support, the optimism to provide stabilty, the dedication and love to make sacrifices and the sense of humour to maintain sanity out of everything. These are the qualities needed to pull things together for him to have a good recovery. Qualities that my own family managed to pull from deep within us during my dad's stroke.

And I take comfort from there that my uncle's family will pass this test with flying colours.....just like mine did.

Cultural Exchange

Was in KL from 17 Nov till 19 Nov. No particular reason. Did the usual shopping and eating at the usual places. Yup, my diet (see previous post) had to take a backseat these 3 days. Caught the movie 'Chicken Little' there, it was hilarious! One of the best movies I had seen this year. Kept me entertained and laughing from beginning till end. Unfortunately, it opens here in Singapore only in December. Do catch it when it comes.

I have always like visiting Malaysia (or at least the states that I had been to). Its near and convenient. Due to the physical proximity, I am comfortable enough to feel at home yet its different enough for me to feel like a tourist.

I think Malaysia has a lot to offer us which we had taken for granted. As it is so near to us, somehow we tend to forget that there are still intrinsic differences between us. Cheap shopping and eating are not everything. When we visit countries like Europe, China, America or closer ones like Vietnam, Taiwan or even Hong Kong, we tend to take more time and effort to explore and appreciate the people and their lifestyles. We try to understand their idiosyncracies and peculiarities. Although ultimately we don't fully understand them, we accept them. Somehow, we don't apply this in Malaysia.

I witnessed this unfortunate incident in my hotel lobby.

A Singaporean car drove up to the hotel entrance and a guy went up to the concierge. His disposition was not pleasant at all. Initially, I thought that the hotel had probably done him a disservice. But upon closer observation, he was complaining that there were no parking facilities in the hotel. And when the concierge and the bellboy were trying to give him directions on the nearest parking available, he bellowed at them saying it was just "so lecheh". Without even saying thank you, he walked away muttering to himself.

The hotel I was staying is a medium size one surrounded closely by other buildings with no parking facilities. Now, if you are driving up from Singapore, don't take for granted that like Singapore, almost all buildings come attached with parking or at least has some nearby. Do some research or call in advance to make sure. If you want to be darn sure, pay more for a more prestigious hotel where you are guaranteed to have parking facilities.

Above all, you have no right to complain and shout at the staff for your own bad luck and ignorance. And what were the staff trying to do? Doing their utmost best to appease you and direct you to the nearest carpark. I know that not all Singaporeans are this rude and unreasonable but when you are travelling, you represent your country. If I am a foreigner, unfamiliar with Singapore, my thoughts after witnessing this incident will be:

The hotel staff's graciousness and patience in making a visitor feel welcomed. Truly Asia.

The guy's ugly and arrogant behaviour in a foreign land. Uniquely Singapore.

Genetics

Its official! I lost 5kg as of today! I did a weigh-in at the doctor today using the same machine I weighed on one month ago. Yes, a grand total of 5kg in a single month! "How did I do it?" Thats really not important although its all through exercise and a really sensible diet. The question is "Why did I do it?"

A month ago, I went for a health check and the results were not ideal. Nothing was life threatening but my cholesterol level didn't look too good for my age. High cholesterol runs in my family. Coupled with the fact that my paternal grandmother, uncle and my own dad succumbed to one of the worst manifestations of high cholesterol - stroke, I was gripped with fear. Trust me, one month ago, I felt that if I consumed one more drop of oil, cholesterol or fat, I will collapse! I know that won't happen but I really felt that way!

So I started on a low-fat, low-cholesterol, low-salt, low-carbo diet. Once my hunger pangs under control, I started going to the gym every single day. I did weight training and cardio exercises. And as a result, here I am today, 5kg lighter.

Although I started my exercise and diet regime entirely based on health reasons, the immediate benefits I felt I had reaped aren't exactly for health (until maybe I go for another health screening), but for vainity. I look better, my clothes fit better, I feel more attractive, I begin to walk with a swanky gait. I relished in compliments that I received. I feel more confident. Sigh, how shallow I can be. Does aesthetics matter more to be that my own health?

Well, might as well. We all know that although we can do our utmost best to protect our health, sometimes its pretty much out of our control, so I am going to make the best of the whole situation and bathe in my new found self confidence! Call me shallow or call me proud!

I didn't tell you, vainity runs in my family too!

Literacy

Another lazy afternoon, another afternoon with no agenda. Only now, boredom don't feel lethargic or restless. It felt quite blissful. Its too early to hit the gym but too late to do anything else (is there such a thing, or another excuse).

Anyway, turned on the TV and there was Oprah. She was interviewing a guy by the name of James Frey who wrote a book on his drug and alcohol addiction and how he fought back from the brink of death. Everyone was raving about the book and claimed that the book spoke to them on different levels, even if you are not on any addiction whatsoever. The book is entitled "A Million Little Pieces".

I decided to buy the book after watching the programme. It wasn't the glowing reviews nor the fanfare that Oprah brought with it. What bought me over was Mr Frey himself. Throughout the interview, he did not attempt to glorify or sensationalise anything. He spoke with a simple humbleness that was even lackadaisical. When he gave advise or commented on how he got through this personal hell, he didn't say it like he was preaching or that he was one level up from you. He externalises it as himself only. And yet, the book seemed to have related to and affected many people profoundly.

I will read the book and hope to gain something from it. If not, it will just be one of the books that I have read during this time of voluntary unemployment.

I am off to Borders in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon......the bliss of boredom.

Blast from the Past

I was in the gym today, as in everyday for the last one month. While I was resting in the lounge, tired after weight training and a 2.4km run, I saw an old friend from university walking in. I had not seen her for a long time. We exchanged pleasantries and in a flash our conversation went from mutual friends, current homes to gym memberships. All achieved in a good 2 minutes. Although we had not converse or met in a long time, I don't feel any less comfortable as when we were in school.

I appreciated that.

Afterwhich I continued my workout and hit the showers. On my way out, I said goodbye to her and we briefly made plans to meet up in the near future together with another university friend from the same pack. But it didn't matter really, even if I walked out of that gym and do not see her for an extended period of time, I know that when we meet again then, I will not be any less comfortable as well.

I appreciated that even more.

Soul Food

CK Departmental Store in Chinatown had been THE place for me to shop for life's necessities for almost a year now. They don't carry expensive brands. Yet you can purchase almost everything you need to live life comfortably. AND the prices are very reasonable.

Just last week, I made an amazing and surprising find there. A snack that I had enjoyed tremendously when serving my NS in Taiwan. I had since not been able to find it anywhere else. That meant I had not eaten it for almost 20 years! Its called Yi(4) Mei(2) Xiao(3) Pao(4) Fu(2). They look and taste like mini bite-size cream puffs. However, the exterior crust is crispy but yet melts effortlessly in your mouth. It then fuses with the milk cream in it. Quite heavenly! In no time, I devoured an entire box with a friend. I had since gone back for more supplies.

It was great to have rediscovered the taste again. However, I rediscovered more than that. Memories flooded back. Memories of my NS days in Taiwan, and inevitably, of the army friends that I shared it with (the puffs and the time). A group of hot headed/blooded young men discovering and sharing first experiences (almost with total freedom) in a foreign land. Many of us away from home in another country for the very first time! And no, I am not talking about the sleazy encounters.

It brought a smile to my face. Almost instantaneously, and strangely, a strong sense of warmth and happiness surged within me. Memories do that to you. When recalling good (or bad) memories, you not only recollect the incidents but also the emotions that come attached with it. You are glad and assured that you still can feel the same way OR more importantly, you have the capability to feel that way again. This "touching base" with my heart, re-affirms my ability and confidence to fulfill my emotional obligations, i.e. as a son, brother, friend, lover, life partner.

In the words of Johnny Hates Jazz in their song 'Turn Back The Clock'...."...if without the memories, where is the love, oh where is the love".

Irk Factor

It is often said that the only constant thing in life is change itself.

I am all ok for change but its the unpredictability that's irritating the shit out of me......